"Here kohai, did you see that the other day?"
"What's that then, senpei?"
"Bloody hilarious. There's these two humans farting about trying to get who knows where on the ridge up there."
"Guns?"
"No, no guns, no. At first I thought they were bears, they were thrashing about in the bushes that much..."
"Oh, don't talk to me about bears, think they own the place, crapping in the woods - it's a well known fact. What tipped you off they were humans? The smell?"
"Stink more like, they smelled too bad to be bears, I'd be doing bears an injustice, I really would."
"Nothing worse than humans senpai, that horrible 'out of the forest' stench, all hairless and nasty little teeth. Turn my stomach."
"Yes, well don't let them catch you my boy, or they'll turn it inside out. Literally."
"The story kohei, the story?"
"Yes, well, there they were, what they call 'running' even though a one-legged piglet with the shits could move faster on a bad day. The bald one at the front, he's wearing this thing on his back..."
"What's that for then, senpai?"
"Oh don't ask me kohei, probably to make his bony back look more nice and round and boar-shaped. Anyway, he's bending down crawling through the sticks, acting like he's one of us, when suddenly there's this loud PSSHHHTTT!!!"
"Fsshhhp?"
"No, it was definitley a psshhht, or maybe a fhhhtt, and this orange spitty stuff shot out in a cloud."
"What, like sensei when he sneezes?"
"Worse. Then the bald one's going 'Aaaarghhh, my eye, my eye!"' and the big one's going 'What the hell was that?' then he's going 'Aargh' as well."
"Orgh?"
"No argh, and stop interupting. So there they are rolling about in the bushes, and there I am rolling about on the floor - I nearly snapped me tusks laughing I can tell you, made my day. Even the birds had a little chuckle I can tell you, and they are usually miserable buggers, except for the ducks and crows o'course, they laugh at nothing, can't shut 'em up, drives you..."
"The story, senpei?"
"Well that's it really."
"Oh."
"They just went argh a bit more, then went off doing boary snorts and mumbling something about twigs and safety catches and 'Unbelievable,' and some stuff I couldn't follow."
"No change there then senpei."
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing. No punchline then?"
"Not as such, no."
"Ah."
"Anyway, I've got no time to waste on you. Places to go, things to do."
"Like?"
"Ermm..."
"Nice muddy wallow, senpei?
"Don't mind if I do."
* * *
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| A painful reminder that pepper sprays are serious kit and need to be handled with great care |
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| The safety was flipped off by a twig and the trigger depressed by another - ouch! |
I've carried this spray in the mountains for a couple of years without problems, either fixed to a rucksac strap on my chest, or in a mesh pocket at the side - checking that it was quick to get out. In principle I knew it was a serious weapon - now I know in practice. It only went off for half a second and most of it went on my back, but the edge of the cloud hit my eye. There was a strong chemical smell from the propellant, then the burning hit. This was only a half-second spray, but it didn't stop hurting until after I'd had a shower. As the run went on my eye improved but as it continued it began to irritate anywhere clothing was rubbing on sweat (use your imagination). Even my friend, who wasn't directly sprayed had trouble from running behind me afterwards, and in the end his eyes reacted so badly he couldn't see very well. It seems to have got everywhere and something else would suddenly start hurting.
I have learned several things from this:
- If I have to use it on wildlife it may well work, as your body reacts immediately and wants to get away from it
- Spraying a lot of it it will likely also be very uncomfortable for the user
- The American occupy protesters in the notorious video where they are sprayed long and hard right in the face, and yet kept still, have my respect.
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